found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Randomize