I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
