I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
