Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
