im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
