found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
