Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
