I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
