I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
