so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
