so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize