I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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