Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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