yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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