And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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