Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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