I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize