I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
