What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
