Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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