I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
