Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
