I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
