omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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