Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
