Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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