I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
