I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
zippers are such a cool invention
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
