Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish they made helmets for livers.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
