When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
