Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
