life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We're too hungover to prance.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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