Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That accounts for only three of the penises
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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