the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
