Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Drunk is not a location!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
