Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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