DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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