I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
