mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
