your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
