omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
