The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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