I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
