My liver just broke up with me...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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