I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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