So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
