youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
