Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
