don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize