when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So. Much. Porn.
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