the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize