just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
