I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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