why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
