like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize