You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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