Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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