Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
