my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
