btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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