Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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