I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
