I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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